I used to hate coats. It’s something about how heavy they are on your body, kinda like a lanky boyfriend when he hugs you. He hangs and leans on you until your spine just gives up. Next thing you know, you’re nothing but a heap of folded bones and a slogan Merci Mon Cheri t-shirt piled on the kitchen floor. Can you tell Joe’s a 6ft 3 cable tower, can ya, can ya?
But that all changed a couple of years ago and now as soon as the first leaf falls – how Disney does that sound by the way? – all I do is buy coats.
I’ve got a dog-tooth one, a dressing gown robe one, a faux fur one – the list goes on and on but I’m well aware I sound like a ridiculous little rich b*tch reeling off my collection when, hello, I actually have five lonely pounds in my account. I’m ballin’ tbh.
Every time autumn/winter comes around I have the well-versed conversation with myself that goes something like this:
‘Look Lareese, that’s a nice overpriced coat. I wonder what kind of woman wears a coat like that. That’s a ‘got your sh*t together’ coat and you don’t have one of them which is why you’re dressed in a suede jacket with a dog-biscuit in the pocket and an accompanying poo bag…but obviously you shouldn’t get it because you already bought a coat last year and you specifically said it would see you through at least 50,000 winters, remember?’
FFS who is that stupid inner b*tch that remembers pointless information? Get a real job woman. Why don’t you remember information I actually need, like my ex’s Netflix account password or, why don’t you remind me to pop my lovely oestrogen lozenge, eh? You’re lucky I don’t shove a sock in your mouth.
Anyway, that sensible sap never wins so I don’t know why I’m rising to her. She’s just jaded because she’s wasted on someone who never truly listens nor appreciates her wisdom. She’ll get over it as soon as I shove some stuff on Depop or make it up to her with some email admin.
She knows as well as you do that I’m gonna get the coat and live off nothing but Pop Tarts for a month. And, AND I’ll be removing my makeup with the holy water my dad brought back from Malta that time (and a smidgen of soap) because micellar will have to wait for pay day hunz.
And so here we are – me and this little grey Zara breed. Contrary to the guilty prose above, I feel really good about this purchase because it’s going to go with everything, including my own belly button fluff.
Quite frankly the guy I’ve just seen driving a lorry in a tank top IN OCTOBER, could really use this coat.
I put it on and I feel like one of them multi-tasking businesswomen. One who’s snowed under with various projects, juggling meetings with child-care and about to launch her very own yoga studio concept…. for dogs. They can even enjoy a refreshing glass of specialist canine kale pulp afterwards. It’ll be called T-ale Juice – because it puts the shake back in their tail. You see tale is spelt like kale but with a… you know what, it doesn’t matter.
I’m wearing this coat over my silk pants because – other than the fact they make my butt feel alarmingly warm – they’re so comfy and the closest things to pjs I’ve ever found.
Up top I’ve got my lavvvly *also new, gulp* powder blue jumper on from Primark. Yes, PRIMARK! It looks and feels more expensive than our ol’ pal Primmy and the colour is so lovely for the winter months.
On my trotters, I’ve got my little gold tassel loafers from Boohoo. When we were shooting this outfit down by the river, a guy shouted at me, ‘now there’s some inappropriate footwear’ and who am I to argue with a guy running in tight budgie-smugglers?
Ok, so they are like Marmite but I for one am a big fan over here. Like a red lip, they liven up an outfit that otherwise, looks a little like I’m a retired (or just tired) librarian. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a tired librarian – but these are like gold-plated caffeine for your bunions. And whose bunions don’t love to feel revitalised from time to time?
As we’re only in October, I think there’s still room for another coat before we’re ringing in the new year… but for now I’m gonna try and make an effort to listen to that sensible purse-tight loser – I know she has my best interests at heart but my god is she boring.
Love you bye.
Photography by Olivia Foley
Trousers: H&M (old)
Shoes: Boohoo (available here)
Earrings: Zara (in store)
Glasses: H&M (similar on ASOS)
Bag: Zara (last year)