Want to know how to make people swear blind you’re wearing your dressing gown to a bbq IN JUNE? Wear a silky kimono, that’s how. I bought this slinky biatch before I disappeared to Bali for 2 weeks and I wore it to roam around our hotel grounds barefoot and sprawl out on the garden furniture with one hand on my brow like the real Rose Dawson. Only, instead of a pocket lumped with a 171 carat heart-shaped sapphire surrounded by diamonds, mine was more likely lumped with actual carrots, leftover from when I went to the petting zoo and climbed in with the deer to feed them. So who’s the real winner here then eh?
When I first tried it on, I didn’t know if I could commit to the whole oriental print pyjama party thing – mainly because it’ll just invite more, ‘are you sure you’re not Asian?’ comments, when I am in fact not remotely Asian. So yeah, I’m indecisive by nature but on this one, I’m certain. Seriously, in the temples in Bali, people would stop and ask for my photo not because I was a beautiful swan-like enigma (sadly), but because I was a pale, vitamin-D deprived enigma. I think they genuinely thought I was feral but had acclimatized to people very well. What a hoot.
The other thing was I got it in medium and I’m always, always a medium in Zara but it just looked a little frumpy but I embraced the frump. Frump wins when you’ve got a belly full of banana pancakes and satay everrrything. In the end, I was glad I didn’t downsize – ha, don’t mind me while I talk about my kimono as if it’s a property investment, though there’s enough room for a few tenants in there AND it did cost £70, so it’s basically the same thing tbh. At the moment while back in the land of what-the-f-is-this-weather-we-call-summer-doing, I’ve been wearing it over jeans with a lacy bralette. And when the sun comes out for a whole 5 seconds, I’ve been slipping into this little lace up denim skirt. Hang on, who am I kidding? No one just ‘slips’ into a denim skirt do they, and if they do reveal yourselves. It is a ball ache getting it up and over dat ass and dat satay spread but let’s just pretend I don’t need to lay on the bed and press my belly down like a 30kg suitcase to get it on yeah?
Can we just appreciate that I’m likening my belly to a 30kg suitcase while trying to watch the first episode of Love Island and its bevy of toned torsos and pert underboobage. And I thought I wanted to downsize on that kimono? It’s the kimono of dreams, not a magic cloak Lareese. Stick with the medium. Love you bye.
Photography by Olivia Foley
Lace bodice: currently sold out but from H&M
Shoes: Pretty Little Thing
Sunglasses: Ray Ban
Lipstick: Lady Danger Mac