The heating’s on, you’ve replaced the half-arsed sit ups of summer with sticky toffee pudding, and Instagram is rife with Pumpkin Spice Lattes, which can only mean one thing… Winter is officially here *hands in the air emoji* Hell yes. You see, I am one of those weird ‘human beans’ (said in the BFG voice, how effing good was that film by the way?) who actually prefers winter. I’d take hot water bottles, roast dinners, naps, Christmas socks and fat rolls over perfect tans any day. Probably because I can’t remember the last time I had a real tan – shout out to all the pale, bordering-translucent girls out there. Now’s our time to shine. No-one will liken our skin tone to jellyfish anymore because winter is here and it’s taking everyone down with it. We’re all jellyfish now and slapped skin is all around.
So, we’ve established I’m a fan of the freezing cold, what else do we know? Well, we also know that I find shopping in summer to be somewhat of a f*cking ballache. I’m quite tall (5ft 7.5 but shrinking now) so I basically live in maxi dresses and if I’m honest, there’s only so many Florence Welch comparisons you can enjoy before you want to throw yourself in a wheelie bin. I like layers. Knitwear, coats, turtle necks, dresses over jumpers, that’s my jam. Essentially, I like warm, elasticated clothing that hides all my halloumi junk firmly in my trunk. I’ve got nothing against bodycon by the way, hell I love me some figure hugging when the time’s right. I just need a fortnight’s warning before I force my food babies to relocate from my belly up to my chin. You can flatten ’em down as much as you like, but as soon as those bad boys spot a teeny tiny air hole BOOM! There they are, flapping around on that weird puffy ledge between your boobs and your Spanx, like a gammy pigeon clinging onto a swaying branch in a storm. It’s here you’re presented with two options. Either you tuck them up and into your bra and swear blind it’s real boob tissue (because you’re still growing gaaaad), or you make your Spanx go that little wincy bit further up your vagina to cover the overspill of food babies. For me, it’s gotta be the camel toe every time.
Anyway, I think that’s enough oversharing for one post. If you made it this far then dad, I’m sorry. Where was I? Oh, that’s right, winter fashion. No risk of runaway food babies and minimal risk of looking like a gammy pigeon, unless you’re a fan of ombre feathered gilets of course, I mean what’s not to love about winter?
Zara is my go to high-street store for most things in life, but during the winter I’m in there on a weekly basis and if you’ve seen their knitwear offering, you’ll know why. This snuggly, off-white polar bear jumper is my latest purchase (there’s been lots of talk of animals in this, all accidental. I’m not getting paid to promote John Lewis’s new Christmas Ad or anything). Trying it on was a bit of a sweat fest with all those changing room lights roasting away, but I knew that me and this bear would be pals for life. Nothing’s easier than throwing on a jumper dress when you’re short on time and long on Domino’s, so I bagged him up and took him home.
There they are, flapping around on that weird puffy ledge between your boobs and your Spanx, like a gammy pigeon clinging onto a swaying branch in a storm.
I’ve styled it up with some black knee high boots and my new Zara bag. I’m not big on accessories but I’m starting to warm to the idea of how effective they can be for rounding off an outfit, just like dotting the ‘i’s and crossing the ‘t’s. I did about three rounds of Zara before I decided I would buy it though. I had the whole pep talk with myself, you know how that inner dialogue goes, “Do I really need another bag? I don’t actually own a black bag and this will go with everything. And AND it’s a convertible back-pack” (let’s just pretend I haven’t only just found that out).
In fact, it’s a good thing they put the stools in the changing rooms you know. I’ve whiled a way many an hour in there, sat down with my phone out trying to decide what life compromises I can make in order to buy everything I’ve tried on. Swap Heinz for anonymous brands, take anything green out of the shopping basket… because while eating healthy may decrease your risk of a literal heart attack, checking your bank balance afterwards has also been known to cause heart palps and premature ageing. Still, I always come to the same conclusion – you work Lareese, you deserve it Lareese.
The jumper really is as warm as it looks and more to the point, it’s long enough to cover my jacksie – which is a first for Zara. Apparently catering for the lankier lasses is too much hard graft when you can cut it off above the cheeks instead and clock out early for the day… the Spanish and their siestas ay. You just can’t get the staff.
I’m going to go right ahead and wear this all winter long. So if you see me out and about you might mistake me for Olaf or some kind of Frozen Planet critter but no, it’s only me. Just don’t ask me to show you my food babies to prove it.
Boots: AX Paris