I love Instagram (can you tell?) and I love blogging, but with this weird old territory comes BBD. Otherwise known as Basic Behaviour Disorder. Now, I’m ok with this, but not everyone around you will be. So it’s important to stay strong, hold your head high and know that this is probably just a phase. The worst is over. Soon you can return to the non-photo taking version of yourself just like Dorothy returned to Kansas. Who knows, one day you might even be able to eat breakfast when it’s hot... Pah. Not happening. You’re gonna be like the modern day Edward Scissorhands, only with a camera for hands instead.
I like to think I’m not alone on this one! Hey, some people chase Pokemon, us blogger types just chase white backgrounds, good light and avocados right? Anyway, they say laughter is the best medicine, so why not join me as I point my Instagram-fatigued scrolling finger at myself and chortle out loud… because as Amy Poehler once said, “There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do.”
1. Taking photos is literally who you are now
2. You split your time equally between mulling over captions, filters and trying to work out how many emojis is too many emojis
3. The Starbucks stigma is a tough one to shake because nothing goes with a picture of autumn leaves quite like a Pumpkin Spice Latte
4. When your photo gets over 50 likes, you basically threaten to sue your mum the second she doesn’t return your WhatsApp message. Although admittedly your mum is your biggest fan on Instagram. Ahem.
5. Your fit af food? Yeah, it’s always cold because the camera eats first mother fo
6. Your mood depends entirely on the lighting tbh
7. People will stare and wonder why you’re stopping in the middle of the street to take a photo… OF YOUR FEET.
8. You’re not a real blogger-come-Instagrammer until you’ve mentioned MAC at least 1787363 times
9. And Lush Cosmetics
10. And coffee
11. And Beauty Blenders
12. Nothing makes you act like a 3-year-old quite like a flat lay that’s not going right
13. When Instagram Stories became a thing you nearly wet your pants, like ALL the way through those mom jeans
14. You can’t try anything on anymore without taking a chelfie (or a thousand)
15. Sometimes you ask your friends to freeze as they tuck into their dins, so you can climb onto a chair and catch them tearing up the basket of bread in the spur of the moment. The more midi rings the better
16. And of course you’re unapologetic for causing a scene because you only know where the line is IF it’s in a nice ol’ grid format. OH GAWD.
17. Prosecco is always photogenic, even if it does make your breath smell and feel like a bobbly pop sock
18. As is green juice, but you’ll never not look like a pr*ck when you drink it and then proceed to take a photo of it
19. You’re incapable of walking past a florist without stopping for a photo. Especially if that florist is Liberty
20. You’ve become accustomed to people shaking their head at you
21. You’ve probably had to listen to the ‘can’t you just enjoy the moment’ conversation 3600 times
22. Storage is an ongoing battle and you find yourself asking if you really need Bey’s entire visual album on ya phone. Ruthless.
23. People are mistrusting of you because they know you’re always one second away from sliding that camera up. Oh yes, even if our phones are locked. We’ve got hacks people!
24. You’ve been known to buy an entire box of Krispy Kreme because… Instagram
25. Nothing compares to a Santorini backdrop. Except maybe a marble flat lay. Or a white rug that’s actually just our cat’s fur
26. A professional mani will take care of your feed for the next 3 weeks, until you chip one and have to hide that one phalange from the shot with a strategically placed beauty product/ egg. Shame on you chipped nail – go to your room and think about what you’ve done
27. You’ve probably been there, done that and got the ‘always on vacay’ T-shirt to prove it
28. Playing with your hair is your go-to pose
29. Or staring at the floor – nothing like being caught off guard eh?
30. You’ve become really good at trespassing
31. And taking photos of other people’s doors/houses with zero shame. Especially if those houses are in Portobello Road
32. Sundays don’t exist anymore, it’s Sundaze only
33. You’ve probably answered to a call for avo on toast that definitely wasn’t yours. If you’re in London, that’ll probably be in the Riding House Cafe, you can’t get way with that sh*t in Berners Tavern
34. Car selfies have changed the game forever. But if you drive a Ford C Max you’ll need to find a friend and borrow their sexy whip. Needs. Must.
35. You’ve put Instagram Square as your billing address more than a handful of times now
36. If you’re in a relationship, you will turn your one and only into your designated photographer
37. You see white. White bedsheets everywhere
38. You can probably name 70% of the filters. Ok 80%
39. You count scrolling as your cardio now. Your thumb’s never looked so toned
40. Though, the cramp in your scroll hand is real – the hovering pinkie? OUCH.
41. You can’t remember what life was like without Jo Malone by your side
42. Copper decor legitimately gives you heart palps. As do succulents and empty Diptyque candle jars (hey makeup organisers)
43. When someone doesn’t know about the Chrome trick… “As in Google Chrome?” *eyeroll*
44. You think, breathe and dream in hashtags
45. You’re very defensive over your monochrome wall art aren’t you?
46. You get way too excited about stationary than you should care to admit
47. And don’t even go there with Urban Outfitters notepads
48. Or personalised mugs
49. When you’re feeling creatively stumped, you resort to captioning photos with emojis alone *gasp*
50. And you can’t remember the last time you went a whole day without screen-shotting a quote, ready to bring it out at the perfect time. That’ll teach ’em.