There’s a few shops that have a special kind of hold on me. One is Zara, another one is McDonald’s but we won’t talk about that – not here, not like this – and the third is HomeSense. I’m not ashamed to admit that if it came down to spending my last quid on a leccy bill (lol, leccy is such a horrible word. It makes something in my chest shudder in the same way that the word ‘moist’ does) or a book on How To Speak Dog and a candle called Under The Mistletoe, it’s gonna be the latter innit. Which, ironically, makes no sense.
That’s the thing with this place, it makes your home look the tits, but it will also make you lose all your senses. And that guys, is my theory behind the name. Boom.
But who needs sense when you can have a smorgasbord of spooky decor and Himalayan pink salt, eh? It’s every blogger’s wet dream and I don’t intend to wake up from it anytime soon…
1. One doesn’t simply walk towards HomeSense, one marches. And we don’t care how many OAPs, prams and dogs we take out in the process. Every man for himself
2. You have to have a word with yourself before you go in about not going too crazy, even though you know you’re going to go against all your good advice because you need that wrapping paper. Why? Because there are sausage dogs wearing berets on it, duh
3. Seeing HomeSense purchases blowing up on ya ol’ Instagram fills you with unhealthy amounts of irrational fomo #unfollow
4. And you worry that by the time you get the chance to go down there, all the coffee cups with a sloth on it will be gone *cue the dramatic duff duff Eastenders noise*
5. And all the spooky decor? That’ll be gone too…
6. If you go there in October, you accept that you’re going to need to recruit extra help in the form of local, strong pals if you’re going to get that chubby ass glittery pumpkin home without snapping a limb
7. You definitely don’t care how many people stare at you as you work your way along the candle aisle, taking the lid off every single jar and inhaling them like you’re some kind of Sanderson Sister sniffing out the next Thackery Binx
8. You also don’t care if you’ve already got a faux succulent at home, you want more. And you also want a faux sprig of eucalyptus to add to your collection
9. You question if Christmas would ever really be complete without a dedicated snack dish shaped like a golden stag. And the answer is always no
10. When someone hasn’t heard of HomeSense, they may as well have told you they eat spiced spleen for breakfast
11. But you secretly enjoy telling everyone it’s part of the TK Maxx family, dontcha? It makes you feel like a wise ol’ bargain-loving wizard
12. You’ve probably taken a relative there on a dedicated journey of enlightenment, to show them the way to God the gourmet food emporium
13. And you see that, just like a smile, HomeSense is a universal language. Aw!
14. If you haven’t bought a notepad or seven from here, then are you really even a HomeSense fan?
15. A notepad so pretty, you never write in it
16. And you feel weirdly protective over it, like it’s an egg from your backyard and you want to love it and put it under a lamp and watch it hatch
17. You love all the candles with names like Winter Spruce or Cheerful Tidings. They make your soul feel warm and cinnamony
18. You never knew how much you needed a pumpkin drinks dispenser before or a tea towel with a squirrel on it, but somehow leaving them behind hurts so bad
19. If ever someone can persuade you to buy a cookery book when you don’t really want one, it’s HomeSense
20. ‘cos if you buy a cookery book, it’ll mean you’ve finally got your sh*t together – I mean, who wouldn’t be able to get their sh*t together when they’ve got a book called Peace and Parsnips by their side?
21. You will come away with another marble chopping board because, hello, it’s £7.99. Ballin’
22. You won’t believe you’re looking gorgeous today until you buy a sassy notepad that tells you so #cheaperthantherapy
23. There’s no better feeling than carting that green basket on wheels around and guarding it like it’s your very own vulnerable child. Yes, she’s small for her age but you love her
24. You only came in here to pick up some ‘nice tea’ but that’s easier said than done when there’s a tea for every occasion: there’s Christmas night tea for the young at heart, there’s a Keep Calm and Carry On tea for those of us having a quarter life crisis and there’s a detox blend for all those times you say you’re gonna make this year your skinniest yet, but now it’s October and you look like a thumb in a wig
25. You’ll do a humble brag about the cheap designer laptop sleeve you got from there that one time
26. You challenge anyone to name one other shop that sells 29 varieties of biscotti, sticky bun flavoured coffee and an everlasting Christmas tree in a tube. GO ON SUSAN, NAME ONE
27. When you leave the store carrying some kind of storage solution on your back in public (probably a wicker basket) you may as well be carrying an injured comrade, you feel that proud
HomeSense whores, may your October be filled with gold skulls, pumpkin-scented candles and a box of motivational pencils you’ll never use… I know mine will. Love you bye.