‘So what if I got fat. It was Christmas’ – that’s literally gonna be my out of office message as of the 19th December, when I clock off to get festively plump(er). I mean, there’s little else that makes me quite as excited as seeing a plate of food heading for my mouth, and I know I can’t be alone. Let’s have a moment of silence for all the food you lost to that first month of your relationship (or in my case 3 days), back when you would pretend you actually wanted to eat kale over kebabs and bird seed over Big Macs. Oh how the tables have well and truly turned. Here’s a brief list of just some of the things all the foodie gals will understand! If you need me I’ll be eating pizza in the bath and using my pepperoni as an eye mask. Love you bye!
1. Your eating habits range from supermodel to Buddy The Elf
2. It doesn’t matter if you’re hungry or not, you can always find room to eat
3. You really can’t understand people who can just have their three meals a day and somehow manage to survive
4. You dress according to how much you plan on eating that day, which means 85% of your wardrobe is roomy and elasticated
5. You’re always planning your next meal, mostly likely when you’re eating another meal because it’s an inspiring time
6. Bali? Na, we just need a buffet to be in paradise
7. You know you’re full but there’s still food on your plate and you would sooner suck Donald Trump’s big toe than scrape it into the bin
8. You never know whether to be proud or disgusted with yourself
9. You hate it when you’re meeting someone new and you have to match their sucky slow eating pace and you know, talk to them
10. You could never totally trust someone who doesn’t do carbs. I mean I’m not about to respect that kind of religion
11. You make a daily promise with yourself that you’re going to be a healthier, better you tomorrow, right after you inhale this last sacred packet of Hob-nobbidy-nobs
12. But then BAGEL MAN taps you up like ‘can you smell my fried bacon and poppy-seed, can ya?’
13. You always push it too far, to the point where your stomach and the start of your vagina become one
14. Going on dates is always fun, when they ask if you have kids you just stand up and cradle your 45 minute and 54 seconds old food baby. She’s just developing so fast, it’s so emotional
15. It doesn’t matter how many times you eat too much pasta or bread and get uncomfortably bloated like that girl from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, you’d do it all again in the pop of a Pringles pot
16. You’ve basically accepted that type 2 diabetes is very much part of your future
17. If you eat on the go you refuse to count that as food
18. And if you eat something healthy, you don’t count that as real food either
19. Those people that say have a drink first if you’re hungry… yeah that’s right, I won’t have the f*ck off bad boy burrito the size of a small child and spilling with guacy beef, I’ll knock myself out and have a delicious cold water instead. I might even treat myself and make it a pint. FOOL.
20. You’re so glad you got ya dad’s hands ‘cos portion control’s really no fun when you’ve got palms like Stuart Little
21. Your bank statements? Yep, they just track your food movements over a 28 day period
22. The quickest way to end an argument with you is to offer you snacks
23. Girls that can’t eat in front of guys… firstly, I’m sorry we won’t be friends and secondly, just go to Italy babe
24. You want to be like those ablicious girls on Instagram but you want cheese in and around your mouth more
25. The guy that thought up Deliveroo is your hero. His name is Will Shu btw, just in case you wannna shout about him on man crush Monday
26. Because tracking your takeaway guy? Genius. CYCLE FASTER GUYS, CYCLE FASTER.
27. Sometimes you open your fridge, just to remind yourself how successful you really are AND so you can count that as 2 solid reps of a semi bicep curl
28. You only ever exercise for food related rewards. Sometimes you even change your gym playlist lyrics to food in your head…just to keep you going
29. You hate it when you have to do that thing when you take one biscuit instead of five because, ya know, other people gotta eat and they get judgy
30. When you go to a party and there’s no food… but how am I supposed to dance without mini pork pies and sandwiches that have gone curly?
31. You’re yet to eat a meal and not spill it down yourself. You just can’t be tamed.
32. And when you’re roped into doing something non-food related between the hours of 12 and 3 it makes you nervous ‘cos you haven’t missed lunch in like 25 years
33. You won’t pay the £3 postage and packaging for an outfit but a meal out? Duh, if my overdraft’s not for elaborate eggy breakfasts and restaurants where I can eat my meal in my birthday suit for pure lols *yes these places actually exist* then what IS it for, really?