71 Thoughts I Had While Watching The New Beauty And The Beast

 

First up, shout out to all the girls who straight up lied about how much singing there was in the film just so they could drag their poor unfortunate soul of a boyfriend along to watch it with them. I’m not even sorry. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been dying to see Beauty and the Beast ever since the trailer came out and you may have even considered buying a bit of the merch from Primark, so the 17th March 2017 was no longer just St Patrick’s day for you, it became St Popcorn day. And also… St I-forgot-how-much-singing-there-was-in-this-film day.

Him: “But you’ve already seen it so you know what’s gonna happen.”

Me: “Don’t start acting up – you watch football every weekend, you know one team are gonna lose and one are gonna win but ya still watch it don’tcha?”

Him: “That’s not the…”

Me: *sings over him with song as old as rhyme*

Ok, so it’s a tale as old as time but the feels? They are all freshhhh. Here’s a few thoughts I had while watching the new Beauty and the Beast film…

1. Is it me or did the enchantress have the exact same thundery entrance as Nanny McPhee?
2. Show yourself, let me see you  *I whisper to the hag in the hood*
3. If Nanny McPhee has a cameo in this that’ll be a bit weird
4. Ok cool, not Nanny McPhee
5. Wow, Emma Watson can actually sing!
6. And she’s not half as annoying as I thought she’d be
7. I’m not even picturing Hermione right now
8. Oh ok, her trampling over the villager’s clean laundry is a bit annoying
9. And when she’s reading with the kid and she goes all, “well that was just wonderrrful” oh please, reading with a kid is never that easy
10. No Belle, this isn’t The Sound of Music, why are you spinning around on top of the hills like that?
11. Totally forgot this song was in it
12. Come to think of it, there’s way more singing in this than I remember
13. I love it when the whole cast get involved in a song, it gives me goosebumps
14. So wait, Belle is just wandering through the village with everyone singing AT her, but she doesn’t know they’re singing at her?
15. Such a shame about Gaston being such a fit arsehole
16. That red jacket reminds me of something…
17. Ah, Cheryl Cole – Fight For This Love, that’s it
18. I don’t like the way Belle just told Maurice to stay safe… in Disney terms that means he’s a goner
19. It’s literally like I’m watching this movie for the first time
20. I can’t remember anything apart from the talking teapot and the rose
21. DON’T GO DOWN THAT ICY SLOPE MAURICE, DO THE OPPOSITE OF GOING DOWN THAT ICY SLOPE
22. Phew, Philippe is a legend
23. What is Maurice doing? You can’t just rock up to someone’s house, let yourself in, warm ya arse in front of their fire and help yourself to their leftovers. Oh and then pinch a rose from their garden on ya way out!
24. I wish someone looked at me the way Lumiere looks at Plumette
25. I wish someone looked at me the way Gaston looks at Gaston
26. That horse found its way all the way through the forest home again and I can’t even find my way back from the fridge
27. Did Belle really just drop kick her own dad? Savage – that’s gotta be like a good 6 broken ribs
28. So there’s 1713761 stairs in this place and not one of these characters gets out of breath. Oh no, they f*cking sing through their cardio!
29. I wish I looked like Emma Watson after I’ve ran up that many stairs
30.  Woahhh that horse cannot take the Beast’s weight, did PETA sign this off?!
31. The Beast is literally me every time I eat
32. Aw look at the Beast and Belle having flanter in the library
33. So the Beast threw a snowball the size of Jupiter at Belle but she just dusts herself off?
34. The Beast’s bath tub is the real hero of this film
35. Look at them dancing away
36. He’s not even stepping on her toes, ah couple goals
37. Well that’s a weird ass magic book that serves absolutely no purpose to the plot other than to make us snot all over ourselves
38. Aw, Belle called the castle home, this is a big deal
39. No Belle, don’t you do that, don’t you leave the Beast Belle you need to stay and lurrrve him better again
40. Of course the horse is there ready and waiting when Belle decides to runaway. What are the wolves suddenly vegan now? Sure Disney, sure
41. That feckinnnng horse has an IQ of 17817281873
42. How did the villagers never stumble across this castle when it’s right round the corner?
43. LeFou is about as loyal as Robin Thicke
44. Oh no, the Beast is all sad and his shoulders have slumped. Belle you little b*tch, look what you’re doing to the poor Beast and you took his mirror so he can’t even stalk you. FFS BELLE.
45. Really need to stop calling him the Beast but do we even know his name?
46. A singing Beast, yep, it’s as creepy and horrible as I imagined
47. They can’t lock up Mauriceeee. I mean, it’s Mauriceeeee!
48. Do you know what’s really mad here? The villagers may be illiterate but they can remember song lyrics like I can remember when someone owes me £1.74
49. All this talking furniture, a library the size of f*cking Narnia and still no sign of a some kind of early lift invention?!
50. Chip was way cuter as a cartoon tea cup
51. Watching inanimate objects wipe out a whole provincial village is SO satisfying – GO MADAME GARDEROBE, GO!
52. Woah, nothing worse than being called a premature grandma
53. I wish Lumiere was my wingman
54. Where the f*ck is Belle, the Beast is literally hanging on for dear life here
55. SHE CAME BACK and now I love her again
56. As if the Beast just saved Gaston, something BAD will come of this…
57. *Gunshots* I feel like the Beast is actually my dog. I can’t watch!
58. Omg I can’t cope, the last petal is falling and the Beast’s eyes are closing… parental guidance? I NEED F*CKING THERAPY
59. Of course the enchantress rocks up with all the chill
60. It’s Agathe from the village I KNEW IT
61. Whatdoyaknow, Nanny McPhee IS in it. Well, Emma Thompson is but same thing.
62. Did LeFou just come out? Is Disney making its gay debut? Hell YES Dis-ah-nayyy
63. Oh look, it’s Matthew from Downton Abbey – another day, another castle eh. Hard life.
64. His hair has got REALLY long
65. He looks like Thackery Binx
66. What conditioner is he using though?
67. Does he shampoo twice?
68. Belle’s dress is on fleek at the end  – I want one just like that boho white one with the floral embroidery for Santorini
69. I’m so glad we have to wear these stupid glasses, ‘cos it means no one can see me crying like the huge Disney fan girl that I am
70. I’m going to buy some BATB merch from Primark tomorrow
71. Can’t wait to watch it again when it comes out on DVD and I’m just there, hungover and crying into the sleeve of my Lumiere pjs, sippin’ tea out of my Chip mug and polishing my horns… when should I have stopped?

And that my beautiful hunz, is a wrap! Have you seen the new Beauty and the Beast film yet? Let me know what you thought in the comments below! Love you bye.