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Fashion - October 8, 2017

Coated & Bloated *Probably*

Zara winter coat

I used to hate coats. It’s something about how heavy they are on your body, kinda like a lanky boyfriend when he hugs you. He hangs and leans on you until your spine just gives up. Next thing you know, you’re nothing but a heap of folded bones and a slogan Merci Mon Cheri t-shirt piled on the kitchen floor. Can you tell Joe’s a 6ft 3 cable tower, can ya, can ya?

But that all changed a couple of years ago and now as soon as the first leaf falls – how Disney does that sound by the way? – all I do is buy coats.

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October 8, 2017
Fashion - July 19, 2017

Unexpected Item In The Bagging Area

As bags, accessories and etiquette go, I don’t have a lot. I don’t lose my sh*t when I see 107 designer bags while power walking down Oxford Street (probably on my way to pick up some more of those fetching Primark pants of mine or one of Pret’s doughy af cookies).

I don’t dream of owning a collection so big that I have to mount a Beauty and the Beast-esque ladder to reach it – you know the one they keep in the library? I’ve never really been interested in the designer hype. I mean, if I put £200 away for five months and avoided Zara, I probably could go and make it rain in Selfridges, but at this stage in my life, I would much rather spend that money on a city break or a lavish Henry VIII style banquet where we could invite all our friends over and only eat with our hands. And we would feed each other guineafowl. I would rather spend that money on a new lens or a waffle duvet cover from M&S.

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July 19, 2017
Fashion - June 24, 2017

Little Sweaty Red Riding Hood

Let’s just get this very British intro done and dusted first, shall we? It is HOT. So hot in fact, you can’t walk 500 yards without thinking you’ve wet yourself due to unprecedented amounts of sweat mounting between your thigh chub. Cheers to being a woman of summer! It’s a glamorous job but someone’s got to do it. 

If there’s anything this unexpected wave of oven-breath-like-heat has taught me it’s that a) I have no summer clothes and b) I have no office appropriate summer clothes. I don’t do bras *free up that nippy duo* which means introducing everyone at my work to the outline of my udders – air con I love to hate you. You drive my dandruff nuts and my make my udders shudder but my armpits sure would be clammy without you blowing a gale on them.

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June 24, 2017
Fashion - June 6, 2017

Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls

Want to know how to make people swear blind you’re wearing your dressing gown to a bbq IN JUNE? Wear a silky kimono, that’s how. I bought this slinky biatch before I disappeared to Bali for 2 weeks and I wore it to roam around our hotel grounds barefoot and sprawl out on the garden furniture with one hand on my brow like the real Rose Dawson. Only, instead of a pocket lumped with a 171 carat heart-shaped sapphire surrounded by diamonds, mine was more likely lumped with actual carrots, leftover from when I went to the petting zoo and climbed in with the deer to feed them. So who’s the real winner here then eh?

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June 6, 2017
Fashion - April 23, 2017

Going Gaga For Gingham | Let’s Look Like Human Picnic Blankets Together

I like to think I’ve got this whole stable relationship thing down, that is, except the one I have with my wardrobe. That’s not so stable. In fact, it’s as erratic as my hair washing habits. There’s just no consistency. One minute I wanna be the girl with bed head hair wearing a leather jacket, sunnies and a choker, the next, I wanna be gallivanting around with a herd of sheep in a gingham dress like Little f*cking Bo Peep. But like the cool Toy Story version, at least, that’s the vision I have in my head anyway, ha, and that’s what really counts, right?

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April 23, 2017