This year, it was announced that a big ol’ blue container full of assorted cacti and those little fabric storage drawers that separate your £1 Primark thongs from your socks and that one bra you actually wear, will be landing in the wee village of Lancing. That’s right, your summer body plans ain’t happening ‘cos meatball fever is coming to a village near you. Never heard of Lancing? No probs. It’s 20 mins out of Brighton and it’s basically known for having a Harvester. There. Oh and now The Perch – a lovely seafront café with more dogs than Paul O’Grady. More on that busy brunch spot another time.
Back to the business of flat pack furniture! Here’s a fun fact, did you know that Ikea isn’t even pronounced eye-kea at all, it’s actually more of an i-kea like the ‘i’ in ‘slick rick’. I’ve just watched a 2-minute tutorial on it and now I feel like my whole life was based on a lie.
But ANYWAY, I have mixed feels about this new Ikea opening. On the one hand, the road-rage-Regina (there’s always a made up name involved) in me is dreading the day I have to sit in that rush hour traffic, rocking myself into insanity on the A27 and wondering how long it’ll be before I abandon my car and just let skinny dippin’ down the River Adur be my mode of transport. Then the other side of me is like, come at me meatballs.
This little Lancing revamp got me thinking of all the things we go through when we go to Ikea. Plus, it’s a good excuse to write about Tupperware and candles again right? So without further a do, bring on the meat(ball) sweats.
1. You can’t just go to Ikea, you have to announce you’re going to Ikea because it is a big deal and it deserves some recognition or a title or somethin’
2. It’s impossible to leave without buying 188272 scented tea lights
3. That is, once you’ve gone through every single one first, trying to find the perfect scent to complement your interior ambience
4. Even though you know there’s really only one choice and that’s French f*cking Vanilla. Crispy apple, I mean really, ain’t nobody got time for that
5. You judge anyone that goes to Ikea and doesn’t have Swedish meatballs for lunch. WTF is wrong with you?
6. You also judge people that order anything less that 15 fine ass balls of meat – because are you even an Ikea fan if you can’t eat 15? Also, I need some protein up in here if I’m going to lift those sizeable blue bastards from the trolley to the car. MEAT me outside how bout dat?
7. You get so lost in awe at the interior goalios that you actually get lost. Like, really lost and can’t find your way back to that paisley print bedspread you so desperately need in your life
8. You’ll find yourself buying stuff you never knew you needed, like glass bottles with stoppers and salad shakers and a petri dish.
9. You’ll also toy with the idea of buying a stuffed carrot / sprout teddy just for the sake of it and then spend the rest of the year wondering who you can palm it off to. PS they’re selling soft cactus toys right now so erm, for those of us that struggle to keep plants alive, say hello to the pot plant that never withers.
10. Then you hold onto all the big bags forever ‘cos ya know those roomy beauties come in handy for the launderette and moving house and car boot sales and transporting your cat to the vets – cheaper than a basket eh!
11. You salivate over the beautiful kitchen table. Then you realise you don’t even have room for a kitchen roll holder, let alone a last supper style table fit for Jesus and all 12 of his disciples
12. And then there’s all the scandi af lighting. Oh oh, the lighting.
13. Before checking out you try and resist the Daim but that Daim be fine as dem meatballs so you chuck in not one, not two but three bags of dat Daim
14. You came in for a Tupperware, you leave with an entire warehouse of goods (mainly frozen meatballs) and a signed yellow t-shirt from Billy Bookcase
15. Fitting all this in the car should be a hoot – hey, if I can bend and squeeze a kingsize mattress into our Ford C Max (that was a fun, sweaty third date let me tell you and not in the way you’d want it to be) then I’m pretty sure a few extra tea lights will be just fine.
16. Cue the second round of arguments with your dedicated trolley pusher. You were pals until Ikea tore you apart.
17. You leave feeling inspired to revamp your entire bedroom and much of your life
18. But when it comes to putting it all up at home, it looks nothing like the showroom promised
19. Or the Pinterest board you made
20. It looks like someone lost their sh*t in Ikea and is now sat on the floor, surrounded by 8558285261 parts of a soft closing wardrobe
21. The pelt rug doesn’t go with the lampshade
22. The throw doesn’t go with the wall art
23. And more to the point the meatballs don’t fit in the freezer. Hell NO.
24. You are way too tired for this sh*t – oh, but you do have new bedding. Buzzing.
25. 2 years later you’ll find a piece of Ikea flat pack furniture you never got round to adding onto that soft closing wardrobe but by that time, you’re moving house and already planning your next meatball escapade
26. But by then, the candles and the cacti aren’t as cheap as you remember
27. And neither are your beloved meatballs – you feared this day would come, you just didn’t realise it would hurt this much.
Until next time I-kea – keep that bed warm for me honey. Love you bye.